good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
