i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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