I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
