If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
