Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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