im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
