Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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