Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize