I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
