an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
