she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
