I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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