nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
