i think my tv is drunk
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
