paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
