worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
