They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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