I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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