Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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