ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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