I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize