I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
