If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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