I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
