when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
