In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
