The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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