phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
