i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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