so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
