Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
