She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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