The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
