youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
worst night to have a conscience
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
