I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
