the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
