I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
