There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
