i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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