Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
