Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
