Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
