Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
