Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
