I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
