There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
