I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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