Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
