Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
