I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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