How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
