so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
