Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
