I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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