I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
