What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
