I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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