On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i already hear my dad disowning me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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