My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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