i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
