i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize